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April 14, 1997
I slept 'til 1:00PM today. Except for when the Honda Barn called
me at 9:00 AM to find out where I was - or rather where the
Auntmobile was - I was out like a light. I think I petted Wilbur in
my sleep because he was purring up a storm when I woke and my hand
was on his chin. I have been bone tired for over a week so I must
have needed the sleep. Still I feel slightly guilty - ok more than
slightly. Sleeping in is the ultimate self-indulgence. "Janet, you'll
miss the bus."
"Janet, you'll miss your flight."
"Janet, where are you? you have a presentation to give at 7:00
AM!"
"Janet, get up! You'll miss your career!"
I used to tell my therapist I was so burned out that all I wanted to do was sleep for a year. I still want to sleep for a year and I've been on sabbatical for 2 years! Actually at the moment I feel quite rested but very anxious. I keep wondering what I missed - besides the Auntmobile's 75,000 mile service at the Honda Barn. What's been left undone? Who's needs am I not meeting? What events happened that I should know about? I guess I'll just have to wonder.
Once I finally got up and fed Wilbur, I put the kettle on to boil, put my favorite Hun Huur Tu album, If I'd Been Born and Eagle, on the CD player and slathered cream cheese on two bagels left over from yesterday. The water boiled, I poured some in the teapot and sloshed it around to "hot the pot" as I was trained by my Irish grandmother, then poured the rest of the water over the tea leaves (don't ever dump the leaves in the water, pour the water over the leaves or my grandmother will rise from her grave and say something nasty to you in Irish, which you won't understand but you'll know it's nasty). Mark gave me a sampler of different Darjeeling vintages for my birthday. Today's choice was Namring. I liked it. It had a very earthy tea taste. I savored my tea and bagels and then topped off breakfast/lunch/brunch with the remains of the birthday cake. Wilbur sat on a chair next to me purring. He didn't even attack the stereo when the animal summoning song came on.
I checked my e-mail, answered some of it, and browsed a few of the on-line journals. Then I took a shower and got dressed. This all took 'til nearly 3:00PM! I called Rita to confirm walking at 12:30 tomorrow. Now here I am trying to write a journal entry about nothing.
I had a brief moment of panic when I checked my calendar and saw "plover warden midday" entered for today. However, I realized I had recorded the days I signed up for, not the days I am actually scheduled, and had not updated the calendar since I got the confirmed schedule. Am I in the midst of some sort of workaholic breakdown? Gee, I hope not. I don't know what ails me. I told the Honda Barn I have a cold but that ain't it. I am just totally depleted and have no idea how to recharge. I have not been out of the house at all today and other than the brief conversation with Rita, I have not spoken to another human being. I have no desire to speak to another human being. Nor do I have any desire to read a book or do oceanography homework. There's not a cloud in the sky today and I'm told the temperature is mild but I have not even the desire to go look for birds. Am I depressed? How can I be? 100 mg of Zoloft should put enough of a cushion under that to keep me chipper and functional.
Am I allowed to be tired? Everything has been a stretch lately. I volunteered to do something anonymously for my WA meeting and it was a lot of work, I felt a lot of anxiety about it, and I felt spent afterward even though it went ok and was worth doing. I lost a night of sleep one Friday between a late kid shift and an early plover shift. I had a particularly tough plover shift last Saturday and a particularly cold plover shift this past Thursday. My knee is bothering me still. I had a family gathering at my house yesterday. Even though it wasn't the full family, it was still work and anxiety. I drove Nancy home last night so she would make it to her social worker support group on time and then immediately drove home. 3 hours on the road!
I ran out of blue junk for the windshield washer and had to stop for some at Stop and Shop as it was unsafe to drive in last night's bizarre weather without it. While in the checkout line I noticed the premiere issue of a new magazine Coastal Living: The Magazine for People who Love the Coast. I had to buy it. I had to read it as soon as I got home. I had to check out their web page as soon as I got home. I had to contemplate what articles I could write for them instead of sleeping as soon as my head hit the pillow last night. I had to agonize about finally giving up the novel and writing some freelance magazine articles so I can continue to call myself a writer. I don't know what time I finally fell asleep but I knew nothing further until this afternoon.
Kevin and the kids gave me Chops, the Teenie Beanie Baby, for my birthday. The girls each have their own Chops - it comes with a Happy Meal at McDonalds. I knew they were going to give me a Beanie Baby this year. They always give me something they like. Last year they gave me Peeps. I like the teenie beanie a whole lot better. It's very cute. I have it sitting on the dining room table watching me drink vintage Darjeeling.